Thursday

Today I'm turning 28, and I have been evaluating my life and assessing what I'd like to accomplish and change in the next year. My goal for the next year of my life is to be more creative and take more risks without excuse. For too Long I've allowed a lack of knowledge and money and experience to hold me back. I've been afraid of failure, and at times, of success. I was thinking about it all today and I was reminded of a quote I once read by Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

There is so much truth to that. This year I'm going to devote some of my time to taking risks on the projects that make me so happy.

Productive Boredom

Well I have officially graduated and moved right on to Christmas vacation which has turned out to be less than exhilarating. Scattered between the moments of work I've been trying to be productive. Yesterday I finished crocheting a scarf I promised my sister a year ago. It was kind of nice to check that off my list. If I could set my mind to it long enough I could finish knitting my sweater which is quickly joining the running for longest ongoing project in history. I'd also like to finish sewing my dress together one of these days. The list of projects goes on and on but they all seem so daunting with no end in sight that it almost seems easier to put them off entirely. Alas...I must resolve to set my mind to and push forward through the boredom and be productive! Perhaps on of these productive days I'll upload photos of all my majestic endeavors.

What Now?

Well here it comes, the end of the beginning. I'll be graduating college next Friday and I have no idea what to do next. Right now my life is kind of...well confusing I guess.

On top of school there's this whole matter of being alone. I consider myself a plain but nice girl yet I don't think nice is enough. And of course the boy that I seem to be enamoured with right now is absolutely perfect in everyway...and dating this girl that has no idea how lucky she is. Lol...oh gosh I sound like a Taylor Swift song.

Anytime I talk to anyone about it they say, "You're so young. Don't worry about it someday the right guy will come along." I don't feel so young. I'm almost 25. I might feel differently if love seemed like it was on the horizon but it's not even a blip on the radar. There are few really nice boys out there these days and even fewer (aka: none) that are interested in me.

I just keep waiting for this miraculous word from God or earth shattering advice from someone I trust but I just find myself going in circles where I start out alone muster all my strength to believe someday it will happen and then find myself right back where I started alone and unsure.

genre: mystery

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

A lot of friends that I've talked to just keep saying "this just isn't where I thought I'd be right now" and I have to agree with them. I've been thinking about it a lot...the way we make these plans for our lives and we dream in time lines and calendars. I make lists and figure out just how things need to happen so they'll turn out wonderfully and then I get all confused when I'm happy and things are completely upside down from the way I imagined they would be. God has that beautiful way about Him...to mystify the wise, lift up the weak, trade beauty for ashes, and He gives life for death, but He gave us love long before we could give anything. Before we were saved, before we could speak, before we could walk, before we were born, before we could choose Him, He loved us, so we know He's looking out for us.

So my question is, why do we doubt Him?

I've always had this side of me that's a little edgy and adventurous. I long to be apart of a big adventure, a huge, exciting, mysterious adventure where I don't know all the answers and I throw predictable out the door. But mystery concerning the plans for my life scares me. I start to worry and wonder and twiddle my thumbs. I get concerned that God, maker of the universe, all knowing and powerful as He may be, needs help from me. Like I might have thought of something He didn't.

My pastor once spoke about the tapestry of grace. How our lives are spun like beautiful tapestries where each thread is important, and we are so close to it that we can't even see the big picture. And we see these dark threads of pain and hurt and sorrow and we think God's somehow neglected us, that our stories have been forgotten and are now nothing but a collection of dark threads. BUT, if we could just see the tapestry from the other side, from God's perspective, we would know that those dark threads, those difficult times are what make the rest of the threads beautiful. Our lives are these intricate tapestries made of threads of beauty and pain, regret and love and with the grace of God the whole thing is perfect and beautiful and thought out.

He plans and plots to make our lives beautiful.

The mysteries of life are what make Romans 8:28 and Isaiah 31:3 true.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.- Romans 8:28

To all who mourn in Israel, He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory.

The thrill of the seasons!

I love the holiday season now more than I ever have before. When I was a kid I liked the candy of Halloween, the feast of Thanksgiving, and the gifts at Christmas but now it's more about the adorable faces and costumes of nieces and nephews at Halloween, the amazing memories being made at Thanksgiving, and spending quality time together for Christmas. I just can't wait for the holidays to begin. Just today in a moment of silence relaxing in the rocking chair my mind drifted off to Silver Dollar City and the brisk fall air that is always present when we visit at Thanksgiving time. I'm looking forward to baking pies and sugar cookies and passing out candy and caroling at Christmas. I love it all!

"I laugh, for hope hath a happy place with me..."

Thank you for saying no

We've all heard the cliche "Thank God for unanswered prayers" but I also thank him. The boy that said no. He was as shy as I was on the other end of that phone call in 7th grade. He wore a smile while I stood there embarassed at that dance. He walked away with the other girl as I stood watching alone. Then after all those years, he broke my heart like only he could. "He" had different names and wore different faces but it was all the same guy. That glimer of hope that turned to disappointment when love was met with failure. Some time has passed and life's been quiet for 3 years now. "Forgiveness" seems to be ringing in my ear and I think it's time to let it all go. After all the pain and tears I realize now the amazing gifts that have come from all the hurt and loneliness. And even if nothing good had come from all the disappointments with "him" I'd still be greatful that he let go of my heart if he couldn't really love me.

Hello World!

I love to blog but I've never ventured much past xanga or myspace. Life is such a beautiful and complex thing that it seems to make more sense to write it all out in order to sort through the confusion. I don't have much to say for the moment so perhaps I'll just post some pretty things to look at.

Bellissimo!

wild eyes of wonder, my nephew Camden...

a face that could change the world, my niece Maddie...

life's details, a photo from my photography class...